letter to my gynecologist

dear dr. mahoney,

after looking up the definition of anesthesia, i realize you were completely within your purview to choose the "partial" loss of sensation meaning, rather than the total numbing effect. however; might i remind you, i have an infected cyst the size of an orange and i just passed out/lost consciousness from the pain. perhaps you should have reconsidered your decision. if you're going to shove a needle longer than my hand in my pissed off, infected vagina, and induce that amount of pain, you better be numbing the whole damn thing! i guess because the infection had spread from the cyst into the duct and had begun seeping into the surrounding tissue, that part could not be numbed?? you were already shoving the needle near the cyst, why not attack the duct while you were at it? i felt everything! did my little whimpers of pain do nothing to alert you to the fact that i might need more anesthetic? perhaps i would've done better with a dentist. at least they know if you're feeling anything, more novocain is on its way. why should my vagina be any different? were you trying to punish me when you scraped the scalpel along the inside of the duct?

if that weren't bad enough, this is the part i simply can't excuse, nor comprehend. from my understanding, and previous experience with the left bartholin gland, the recovery time for this procedure is about 2 weeks, because you are supposed to insert a word catheter. can you explain why if you knew you were planning a procedure that required a certain type of equipment, you didn't make sure the office had it before getting me on the table?? there was no word catheter. do you realize what that means? the whole procedure was a waste of time.. beside the fact that it was absolutely necessary, lest the cyst burst. but, the catheter is really the only way to ensure the cyst does not return...you said so yourself. so, when it comes back, will you have the audacity to charge me again? do you really enjoy inflicting this much pain? i realize you thought it was quite a brilliant idea to insert a piece of gauze as a makeshift catheter into the wound instead. when you were digging in the duct, shoving the gauze inside the cyst as far as you could, listening to my protesting, agonizing, crying fits, did it still seem like such a fabulous notion?? what part of "i need more anesthesia" don't you understand?