gorgeous outside.. raining, thundering, some lightning. instead of snuggling up next to my honey wtih a cup of tea and a good book, i'm stuck inside my grey box with my week-long splitting sinus headache. implosion is definitely probable.....time to find an e.n.t.
note to self: swinging from a rope pretending you're tarzan is very different at 30, than it was at 10. guess I really shouldn't have expected to escape the incident unscathed.... ya know...it was so much fun, i ALMOST don't mind the swollen goose egg on my ankle. But, next time i think i'll stick to the trampoline. yes, there's a trampoline in the backyard at my new place.... my friends/landlords have 3 kids... lotsa fun stuff.
taking a few moments to honor the memory of my dear friend jeanne. today would've been her 30th birthday, but sadly, she passed away December 16th, 1998 due to acute leukemia.
our friendship was brief and yet she profoundly changed my life. one of the most engaging, vivacious activists i've ever witnessed, she was my hero. at the ripe old age of 17, she not only helped me realize it was ok to be a lesbian, but that it was wonderful and something i should fight to protect....to be out and proud...to never be silenced about who i am and how i love. Our friendship gave me the confidence to speak out against injustice and discrimination, coming out at an historic school board meeting witnessed by a hostile crowd of hundreds. whenever i feel weak and needing a dose of courage, i simply remember jeanne.
this poignant entry was written by jeanne's brother, drew, on our high school's alumni website in 2002. In memory of Jeanne.. we love and miss you! .......................................................
The disease, though it took her life, didn't cause the suffering many others endure. She went quietly and peacefully, the look on her face telling the world her work was done here, and that she was on to greater things. For those that have contacted my family with your support, I extend my sincerest gratitude. As her older brother, I always miss her, asking myself ad nasuem the questions that arise when a sibling passes. Yet now, in times of hatred, war, and the senseless violence that rages, I find the question, "What If" so much more prevalent. I look back between the smirks and tears at the indefatigable young girl who could, and damn well would, fight anything that she deemed wrong and unfair. Now, in a world that embraces its self destruction as a predetermined necessity, I often muse what she would have done. Would she have made a difference wonder...................................... Didn't she always?
i'm being screwed...can't even conceptualize how serious this might be... trying to stay positive and trust that everything will work out.
apparently the little tap to this guy's bumper rendered his car inoperable and rather than having it fixed, he claimed it as a total loss; then, because he uses his car for work, he filed a workers' comp claim for lost wages; and to top it all off, he was injured in a prior accident and his condition was "aggravated" by our accident, so he has medical expenses totaling well over my coverage limits.
this is such bs.... i hit him at less than 20mph.
so, i get a letter from my insurance company yesterday about an accident i had over a year ago. First of all, let me just say the accident was MINOR... i haven't even bothered with my repairs since they're so slight. i felt horrible about hurting this guy's car. it was a 1973 black bug with original plates and of course i had to destroy the plate.. plus the freaking engine is in the back, so my little tap on his back bumper made the car go kaputt. he already gauged me with the repairs, making my premium skyrocket... now there's more??
this bs letterinforms me the attorney for the "injured claimant" has requested they release my policy limits. WHAT?!!!????? the (&#$*^) ??!!! an attorney?? they're concerned the injuries may exceed my policy limits even though they have no evidence of injury. EXCUSE ME?!! a year later, he's suddenly developed injuries? there's no way in hell he was actually hurt.
plus, left my phone at home, so i can't even call to find out what's going on til monday. URGH!!
so much of my brain is used processing other people's thoughts, i spend far too much time in other people's heads and not enough in my own. (my one original thought).
yesterday was my first day at a new yob interpreting law school at ucla. woohoo... absolutely love it! and, I actually get to think! although i believe i'm over talking about pandering to the prurient interests.. new topic please!
So proud of you Jason!!! Congratulations on the new job, the new apt.. send me pics of both, so i can post, along with a pic of you... might as well play matchmaker while i'm at it. Love you!!!
woohoo.. just got back from an amazing conference/retreat in the wisconsin dells.. stayed in a cute little cabin called the castle on the top bunk of a little bunk bed and shared a room with 5 other women (got to relive those fun childhood camp memories).
went to cool workshops, played with drums, performed, meditated, took walks amid towering pine trees, all while learning to be a good little lesbian witch.
even played in "amazon acres," learned how to use all the most important weapons: tomahawk, spear, and bow and arrow. my favorite was the archery! totally relaxed....transformed...feel like myself again!! i'll post some pics as soon as i have time to download.
dear mr. stuffy corporate dude,
after attending the mandatory sensitivity training today, i believe you must be confused at best and perhaps even delusional. Having taught diversity trainings in my past, I'm rather familiar with the agenda and i'm pretty sure beginning an hour sensitivity/diversity training with a 20-minute diatribe about the company's other business ventures was not exactly beneficial, nor was the 15- minute explanation of the company's drug/alcohol policy and your perogative to randomly test.
you can't seriously think a couple sentences tossed in here and there about how we all need to get along will somehow teach us how to become more sensitive. clue to those of you sitting in your little white world in corporate mid-america: perhaps you should send someone trained, someone with even a modicum of experience. yeah, sending in a white woman who talks like she's never spent more than a couple of minutes with a person of color just because she's the hr director... not the smartest... especially when training employees in california. also, since you have so many bglt employees and have a non-discrimination clause protecting us, perhaps your trainer should have done a little homework and learned how to be a little more sensitive herself before trying to teach tolerance. i have a sexual orientation, not a sexual preference and i don't have a disease!!! don't begin your sentence talking about being tolerant to those who have diseases and then use people with a different "sexual preference" as an example. you want an example of a hostile work environment sweetie?? well, you just got one.
Yes, still in love..6 months and the deliriously happy bug that sunk its teeth firmly in my ass is not releasing its grip anytime soon.. wanted to pick someplace special: romantic/beautiful for the date...since t's the la native, figured anything i found, she would've already visited...but nope.... I scored. highly recommend the inn of the seventh ray. it's a faerie-land oasis..complete with twinkly lights, trees, candlelit winding paths, and a creek.
but my company constantly asks me to do these random little graphics projects here and there. It's all fine and good when they give me time while i'm on the schedule.. sometimes it's even fun...but this asking me to do insane printing projects and shopping expeditions after work (meaning w/o pay) is uncool.
sitting in kinkos last night at 9pm,i started losing it....something that should've taken 10 minutes took me 1 1/2 hours. not only did it waste my time, it cost me $80... for copies. yeah this is an office run by interpreters most of whom have never worked in an office before and have no idea how to function as corporate pod people... which is nice in some ways...yet highly annoying in others. and, i will make them pay the $.40/minute i was charged to use the kinkos computer so that i could make the color prints. think it's time i make a strong suggestion they invest in a color printer. it's not like they don't have the money. rant over; project done....i supppose i should start on the newsletter that was due july 15. oops.
how many freaking people are trying to call tmobile at 11pm?? come on... you're going to put me on hold for 45 minutes after misdirecting me twice? I asked for the sidekick dept., not the blackberry dept, cust. svc. idiot. and then you, mr. blackberry.. if i tell you i need the sidekick dept, don't freakin' send me back to general cust. svc. Why must i constantly deal with incompetence?? URGH!
i suppose i shouldn't expect much from myself right now but i can't seem to do much other than stare into space...tried working on my house, but can't seem to do much other than lie about.. it is the cutest place ever, but since i went from a place with so much built-in storage to this huge empty loft, i have to buy a bunch of furniture to put all my "stuff" and it's daunting ... will post pics as soon s it's furnished and i unpack. I had this grand plan that i would get the whole thing finished by this weekend. It's my 6 month anniversary with my amazing girlfriend and i wanted it to be perfect, but i'm not even half moved in, i'm broke, an it's just..the last month has been filled with some pretty hellish experiences... perhaps there's a lesson somewhere in all this craziness.. whatever it is, i haven't found it. perhaps the funk was triggered by the phone call i received from the massage place i used to frequent in long beach. maybe i'll write about it someday.
not certain whether mulling over kitty pics is the best way to grieve the loss of my little one.. regardless, here i am again. thought i'd post some of her cutest pics... as a memorial of sorts.
my sweet tobi passed away july 31, 2005. still in shock. angry i couldn't save her...
what happened:amidst moving hell, tobi was so frightened by all the commotion, she threw herself from my 2nd story window. although we looked for a week, spending hours scouring the neighborhood, we couldn't find her.... no frightened meowing, no response, nothing. apparently she had hidden herself inside one of the parked cars below, and it had taken off within 10 minutes of her jump. i suppose since i found her at 5 weeks old hiding inside a car at an autobody shop, i should have checked there first.
to the sweetest little kitty i've ever met, thank you for making the last year so wonderful, thank you for all the memories. your sister shani and your new other mommy miss you very much as well. goodbye my little monchichi with the featherduster tail. can't believe you're really gone!
working on a holiday (even if you don't celebrate) sucks! only consolation is the extra bit of money i'm making. though perhaps more prudent had i actually calculated the pay differential before accepting the work. $123.50 extra just doesn't seem worth sacrificing time outside playing!
warning: superfluous gushing contained herein. spent 2 magickal weekends with the woman of my dreams.. in complete bliss....well, minus the sunburn and nausea. last weekend, we cocooned ourselves away in long beach. let's see..amenities included: breakfast in bed, massage and scrub at la dolce vita,followed by a trip to "naples" c/o gondola getaways.
she is simply breathtaking...never knew i was capable of feeling this much love, ecstatic happiness, thrilling excitement, joy, and desire for another person. avoiding trite cliches is rather impossible at this point. i'm speechless... giddy.... mystified.
and, this weekend my amazing girlfriend treated me to the most luxurious facial in one of the most delcious spas in la. I highly recommend le petite retreat. From the moment we entered the spa, slipped on the softest robes i've ever worn, i felt whisked away to another dimension....an oasis buzzing with such soothing, relaxing, rejuvenating energy. it was absolutely lovely and i could've stayed for hours.
finished off the holiday with a trip to her sister's for the neice's sweet 16/beach getaway....in love with the family...her nephews are the most adorable munchkins ever. they are so excited by life...nice to be reminded to look at the world through their eyes. only one problem...apparently i seem to think i'm as resilient as i was as a kid and decided i didn't need sunblock... 5.5 hrs of direct sun on anyone, no matter how dark, and they're going to need a little protection... i did finally apply after a couple hours.. guess i'm still stuck in some adolescent phase believing i'm beyond harm. Well, now i have sun stroke.. or some other such ailment where i'm nauseated every couple hours. luckily, the lovely tee took care of me with oatmeal baths and aloe treatments. ;-)
oops...after the concerned voicemail i received today i realized the couple of you who read this and don't see me every day might want an update. i'm me again..lights are on.. someone's home....no more concussion. no more weird growths wreaking havoc.
so, my auditions sucked... i have pretty horrendous stage fright...i might even be phobic at this point. medicating it is getting old and i've decided i'm quite over feeling like i'm about to go into an epileptic fit everytime i sing in front of anyone who has musical knowledge.... it becomes so overwhelming...as if my entire existence somehow rests on their acceptance of my voice... if i sing well, it means i'm ok and if i mess up, it means i'm a failure/ less whole/ less desirable/ LESS. Pretty sad perspective. Luckily, or regretfully (not quite sure yet) i have a voice teacher with a couple schemes to help me overcome the fear. I think i just need some intensive "break your phobia" bootcamp.
auditioning 5 pieces tmw for my june concert. true to form.... i spent most the morning stressing out and much of the afternoon practicing to quell the anxiety. not quite sure what possessed me to vocalise differenlty than i'm used to.. i so rarely warm up as it is..but singing the high notes felt a little easier today, (perhaps it was my amazing voice lesson yesterday when everything was so effortless and my voice teacher finally decided i'm a lyric, not a mezzo) so i got a wild hair up my ass to see how high i could actually go. not the best idea right before an audition... started coughing, sputtering, even gave myself an asthma attack.. not so bright! so, now i'm hoarse and when i sing the line, or try to talk, my voice cuts out and jumps all over the place.. pretty. hit the f sharp above high c though and felt i could go higher. not certain people should be able to make sounds that high. perhaps i'll become a human dog whistle.
yes, i have a concussion. when i passed out, i must have hit my head HARD....from my mini reenactment today, i've narrowed it down to the door latch and/or the toilet paper/seat cover dispenser.
after a week of resting; sleeping, waking briefly only to eat or take more pills to escort me back into the abyss, i'm still concussed. my most amazing girlfriend picked me up from work, brought me to my appt., drove a million miles every night after work to take care of me/nurse me to health. wow... how lucky am I? did i mention I'm head over heels in love?? i'm sure i'll blog about her more...she is absolutely exquisite!
right now though all i can think of is the persistent pain. carrying a bowling ball between my shoulders is getting old. thinking is painful, short-term memory is shot... just make it STOP!
dear dr. mahoney,
after looking up the definition of anesthesia, i realize you were completely within your purview to choose the "partial" loss of sensation meaning, rather than the total numbing effect. however; might i remind you, i have an infected cyst the size of an orange and i just passed out/lost consciousness from the pain. perhaps you should have reconsidered your decision. if you're going to shove a needle longer than my hand in my pissed off, infected vagina, and induce that amount of pain, you better be numbing the whole damn thing! i guess because the infection had spread from the cyst into the duct and had begun seeping into the surrounding tissue, that part could not be numbed?? you were already shoving the needle near the cyst, why not attack the duct while you were at it? i felt everything! did my little whimpers of pain do nothing to alert you to the fact that i might need more anesthetic? perhaps i would've done better with a dentist. at least they know if you're feeling anything, more novocain is on its way. why should my vagina be any different? were you trying to punish me when you scraped the scalpel along the inside of the duct?
if that weren't bad enough, this is the part i simply can't excuse, nor comprehend. from my understanding, and previous experience with the left bartholin gland, the recovery time for this procedure is about 2 weeks, because you are supposed to insert a word catheter. can you explain why if you knew you were planning a procedure that required a certain type of equipment, you didn't make sure the office had it before getting me on the table?? there was no word catheter. do you realize what that means? the whole procedure was a waste of time.. beside the fact that it was absolutely necessary, lest the cyst burst. but, the catheter is really the only way to ensure the cyst does not return...you said so yourself. so, when it comes back, will you have the audacity to charge me again? do you really enjoy inflicting this much pain? i realize you thought it was quite a brilliant idea to insert a piece of gauze as a makeshift catheter into the wound instead. when you were digging in the duct, shoving the gauze inside the cyst as far as you could, listening to my protesting, agonizing, crying fits, did it still seem like such a fabulous notion?? what part of "i need more anesthesia" don't you understand?
note to self: when sporting an orange-sized, throbbing, infected growth between one's legs, horizontal is the best and only position... in bed, preferably in the doctor's office, or even better: on a gurney in an ambulance on the way to the emergency room. never ever should one attempt to work, even on the graveyard shift.
going to the bathroom with this thing is an adventure in and of itself, so i try to limit my visits. held off long enough i decided to be brave, hopefully for the last time before the knife. I guess stopping the pain medication an hour before driving home was a VERY BAD idea and i must have been in much more pain than i'd realized. In fact, i can safely say, it was the worst pain i've EVER experienced. It shouldn't have shocked me then when as soon as i stood up, everything started to black out and i woke up on the floor with my pants around my ankles, screaming. Not a pretty sight! As if that weren't enough, i decided to go for round two and managed to faint again in the opposite direction. Good thing i work the night shift. can you imagine someone walking in and seeing me half naked sprawled out on the ground of my itty bitty teeny weeny bathroom stall?! guess the screaming was moot though, since noone came looking, even though i was gone for over 20 minutes.
believe me, i'm just as confused! so the doctor's office calls me an hour before my procedure to tell me they were not on my insurance company's list of covered providers and i needed to call another doctor WHATEVER!!! (apparently there are 2 dr. mahoneys), then proceded to give me the number for the doctor i'm supposed to contact. did i mention this is an emergency and the cyst could burst at any moment...oh yeah and I'm in PAIN!!!?? if i had normal insurance like any other regular human, i would've already taken myself to the emergency room, however at over $1000 a visit after the insurance company pays their portion, it's just not worth it.
starting to freak out, i call the "right" doctor and am directed to my dentist's office. WHAT?! my dentist?! can't help but laugh. how ridiculous will this actually become? So either the first doctor was a dentist or the insurance company heard absess and drainage and directed me to the "logical" choice?? maybe they thought my vagina needed special treatment... perhaps they thought i have little teeth growing from it...vagina dentata??
i'm in such agonizing, excrutiating, searing, white hot, make-your-hair-stand-on-end pain, i wish i did drugs! I mean.. come on! perhaps tmi, but since i can think of nothing else, any goals of sticking to topics of political or philosophical significance have been disgarded in lieu of graphic descriptions of my strange ailments. feel a little like i'm crafting my own vagina monologue. apparently i'm one of only 2% of women who get bartholin gland cysts. normally not such a big deal... now, not so much...not only do i have the cyst; it's infected...and it could rupture at any moment (real pretty) so i get to go and have this lovely procedure done today. pain better subside cuz this is hell! there should be a law.. vaginas are just not supposed to hurt like this!
sitting in my little grey world, i can't help but wonder... how did i end up here? i suppose there are worse places i could be.. just never envisioned staking my tent, finding my raison d'etre in the "corporate world". but, alas more than a year later and i'm still here. moreover, for some reason (financially motivated of course), i decided to spend my time in virtual solitude on the graveyard shift with approx. 6 other vampiric quacks, most of whom i've come to absolutely adore. after 6 months of this, i need a break! Since we have such an abundance of time on our hands to fart around surfing on the internet, my colleague spent some time researching the associated health risks working these hours, and i must admit, it's pretty frightening. apparently, if i keep doing this, i have a 60% increased risk of breast cancer, an elevated risk of developing cardiovascular disease and gastrointestinal disorders and I'll most likely have a slew of accidents. promising!
Victoria's Secret just released their newset product line.. the ipex. i suppose it's apropos i begin my first blog with one of my favorite subjects ;) inspired by a trip to the land o' bra with mom since i decided she just couldn't wear her new "i'm a hotty" outfit without a sexy bra to match. Fighting the urge to ask the accosting clerk for help picking out something deliciously naughty for my girlfriend, I listened to her "yay we have a new product" spiel instead. by the end of her monologue, it felt like i was buying a tech gadget and wanted to ask if batteries came included/ or if assembly was required, but i was attempting niceness.
A play on the word apexi thought it clever and amusing...this of course elicited peculiar images of those little green army men with parachutes trekking up the side of some breast mountain to reach the summit, all the while singing "yohoyoho a pirate's life for me." i know, i know... don't ask. although i didn't personally have a go with the newfangled device, my sources tell me it's amazingly comfortable.. like a sexy rendition of the comfy grandma bra. hmmm.. designer must be a feminist.
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