dear dr. mahoney,

after looking up the definition of anesthesia, i realize you were completely within your purview to choose the "partial" loss of sensation meaning, rather than the total numbing effect. however; might i remind you, i have an infected cyst the size of an orange and i just passed out/lost consciousness from the pain. perhaps you should have reconsidered your decision. if you're going to shove a needle longer than my hand in my pissed off, infected vagina, and induce that amount of pain, you better be numbing the whole damn thing! i guess because the infection had spread from the cyst into the duct and had begun seeping into the surrounding tissue, that part could not be numbed?? you were already shoving the needle near the cyst, why not attack the duct while you were at it? i felt everything! did my little whimpers of pain do nothing to alert you to the fact that i might need more anesthetic? perhaps i would've done better with a dentist. at least they know if you're feeling anything, more novocain is on its way. why should my vagina be any different? were you trying to punish me when you scraped the scalpel along the inside of the duct?

if that weren't bad enough, this is the part i simply can't excuse, nor comprehend. from my understanding, and previous experience with the left bartholin gland, the recovery time for this procedure is about 2 weeks, because you are supposed to insert a word catheter. can you explain why if you knew you were planning a procedure that required a certain type of equipment, you didn't make sure the office had it before getting me on the table?? there was no word catheter. do you realize what that means? the whole procedure was a waste of time.. beside the fact that it was absolutely necessary, lest the cyst burst. but, the catheter is really the only way to ensure the cyst does not return...you said so yourself. so, when it comes back, will you have the audacity to charge me again? do you really enjoy inflicting this much pain? i realize you thought it was quite a brilliant idea to insert a piece of gauze as a makeshift catheter into the wound instead. when you were digging in the duct, shoving the gauze inside the cyst as far as you could, listening to my protesting, agonizing, crying fits, did it still seem like such a fabulous notion?? what part of "i need more anesthesia" don't you understand?

note to self: when sporting an orange-sized, throbbing, infected growth between one's legs, horizontal is the best and only position... in bed, preferably in the doctor's office, or even better: on a gurney in an ambulance on the way to the emergency room. never ever should one attempt to work, even on the graveyard shift.

going to the bathroom with this thing is an adventure in and of itself, so i try to limit my visits. held off long enough i decided to be brave, hopefully for the last time before the knife. I guess stopping the pain medication an hour before driving home was a VERY BAD idea and i must have been in much more pain than i'd realized. In fact, i can safely say, it was the worst pain i've EVER experienced. It shouldn't have shocked me then when as soon as i stood up, everything started to black out and i woke up on the floor with my pants around my ankles, screaming. Not a pretty sight! As if that weren't enough, i decided to go for round two and managed to faint again in the opposite direction. Good thing i work the night shift. can you imagine someone walking in and seeing me half naked sprawled out on the ground of my itty bitty teeny weeny bathroom stall?! guess the screaming was moot though, since noone came looking, even though i was gone for over 20 minutes.

believe me, i'm just as confused! so the doctor's office calls me an hour before my procedure to tell me they were not on my insurance company's list of covered providers and i needed to call another doctor WHATEVER!!! (apparently there are 2 dr. mahoneys), then proceded to give me the number for the doctor i'm supposed to contact. did i mention this is an emergency and the cyst could burst at any moment...oh yeah and I'm in PAIN!!!?? if i had normal insurance like any other regular human, i would've already taken myself to the emergency room, however at over $1000 a visit after the insurance company pays their portion, it's just not worth it.

starting to freak out, i call the "right" doctor and am directed to my dentist's office. WHAT?! my dentist?! can't help but laugh. how ridiculous will this actually become? So either the first doctor was a dentist or the insurance company heard absess and drainage and directed me to the "logical" choice?? maybe they thought my vagina needed special treatment... perhaps they thought i have little teeth growing from it...vagina dentata??

i'm in such agonizing, excrutiating, searing, white hot, make-your-hair-stand-on-end pain, i wish i did drugs! I mean.. come on! perhaps tmi, but since i can think of nothing else, any goals of sticking to topics of political or philosophical significance have been disgarded in lieu of graphic descriptions of my strange ailments. feel a little like i'm crafting my own vagina monologue. apparently i'm one of only 2% of women who get bartholin gland cysts. normally not such a big deal... now, not so much...not only do i have the cyst; it's infected...and it could rupture at any moment (real pretty) so i get to go and have this lovely procedure done today. pain better subside cuz this is hell! there should be a law.. vaginas are just not supposed to hurt like this!

sitting in my little grey world, i can't help but wonder... how did i end up here? i suppose there are worse places i could be.. just never envisioned staking my tent, finding my raison d'etre in the "corporate world". but, alas more than a year later and i'm still here. moreover, for some reason (financially motivated of course), i decided to spend my time in virtual solitude on the graveyard shift with approx. 6 other vampiric quacks, most of whom i've come to absolutely adore. after 6 months of this, i need a break! Since we have such an abundance of time on our hands to fart around surfing on the internet, my colleague spent some time researching the associated health risks working these hours, and i must admit, it's pretty frightening. apparently, if i keep doing this, i have a 60% increased risk of breast cancer, an elevated risk of developing cardiovascular disease and gastrointestinal disorders and I'll most likely have a slew of accidents. promising!